This is my life: I am in my 40′s. I immigrated here when I was 2. People have made fun of me for my dark skin, the shape of my nose, my face. I am an American citizen, but people always want to know what country I’m from not what state. I was bullied, called fat and made to feel ugly. My parents are critical, domineering and unloving. All they care about is how fat I am and want me to do everything they tell me; again I am 40. To get away, I married a horrible, selfish, cruel, mean-spirited man. I walk around trying to please them all because I am bullied by all of them. I am afraid and alone. I have filed for divorce and now am filing for bankruptcy. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat, ugly failure. I just want to know what I did to deserve this? And I want to know if it will ever get better? I see people with loving parents. I see women with loving husbands. I want to be them instead of this hopeless waste! Why? I just want to know why no one loves me; not for real? Is there such. thing as a selfless, loving person? Is there?
Justin, my dear,
In one week and one day you will leave our beloved Kentucky town to move 3,000 miles away out to sunny California. Getting close to you has been one of the most treasured times of my short life. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time together but I know you’ll do great things out in Cali and I know this isn’t goodbye.
Still, when you’re gone I’ll miss your radio show and I’ll miss you taking unflattering photos of me eating. I’ll miss drinking beer and watching Breaking Bad with you and I’ll miss your wisecracks. I’ll miss every little thing about you. I’ll miss the way you grab my hand when we part ways and the way you stroke my hair. I’ll miss your suspenders and your doofy sneakers and the way you remind me of my dad.
I’ll miss you so much, Justin. But I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.
You’re the best radio photographer I know.
Why do you hate me? Why do you say you care but constantly push me away? Why do you always try to take away the things in my life that make me the happiest? Why am I such a ” hoe, whore, bitch ” in your eyes? I know we all say things when were mad, but there’s only so much I can take. You are so mean, so cold, so angry. I tried to mend what we had, but you refused. I don’t want any of it anymore. I just need my answers so I can go about my life. I can’t take the pain of not knowing. I’m sorry I was born. I’m sorry I am here, living & breathing. You are the reason why I feen to feel the cold blade against my skin, but I refuse. I refuse to let you bring me down again. Ha, who am I kidding? Because of you I wish I died that night I tried to kill myself.
Fuck you, you’re slut of a daughter. HA.
Direct my path. I cannot manage certain tasks and responsibilities by my own strength, let alone make rational decisions. Therefore I ask for your wisdom to know what to do, what to say, and where to go. Lord I don’t trust anyone or anything because this world is full of hypocrisy, lies, and deceit. In order for me to make it in this lifetime, I need discernment which exposes what’s in the darkness. I give you my pain, my tears, my strongholds, my mistakes, my worries, my fears because you care for me. You’re my light, you’re my source, you’re my strength, you’re my provider, you’re my healer, you’re my everything. Instruct my path
IN JESUS NAME
There were a hundred reasons why we could have worked. As to why not, there was only one. Was it the temporary distance between us? No.
Samantha, you’re a fool, and I’m better off without you.
So why, six years later, do you still haunt my thoughts?