Dear Female of the Species,
I hate that I love you! There, I’ve said it…I finally concede my love for you. In fact, while I’m writing this letter I’ll further concede that I love your children as if they were my very own.
You and I have been such good friends for so long. We’ve been over and through so many hills and valleys that I simply have forgotten the exact circumstances of our first introduction. I only know that over the years you’ve fallen in love with me too. I’ve so often looked at you with fascination and wonder. You’ve held me without touch and yet I know that your lips are cherry and soft as a rose that blooms in May. I’ve wished on far too many occasions that I could touch those lips with mine. I’ve wished to drown in nothing more than your smile. I’ve wished to feel your warm breath on my stomach. I’ve wished that I didn’t wish so hard.
I love you because of your kind heart. I love that you are selfless and intelligent and witty. I love that you can hold my attention with nothing more than your words. I love your impeccable grammar and spelling. I love the way that you love each of your children. I love you because you’re fragile, but . . .
I also love you too much to let you cheat on your husband with me! I couldn’t live with myself if I knowingly allowed you to suffer the guilt and heart-ache that would surely accompany the mistake of infidelity. I know that this will break your heart and that you won’t see my integrity as love, but sweetheart, it is only love that keeps me from hurting you like this would do.
If by some slim chance you’re reading this, I’m already gone. I’m waiting to board a plane as I write this. This is one time that I am actually glad that I am the last person on planet earth without a facebook account or twitter account or myspace or any other kind of space that you could use to find me. I know you’ll eventually let yourself in to my apartment with the key that you never used. I left a letter for you on the counter and a letter for each of your children. I’m sorry.
Male of the Species