Dear my family,
I know you’re all upset. But it was his choice. Just acknowledge it and respect his decision. There’s no point playing the blame game now. It’ll do nothing but hurt everyone even more.
Let his memory rest in peace.
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Dear the person I cannot put into words
1 FebDear the person I cannot put into words.
When I think about the role you play in my life, it almost brings me to tears, for it pains me that I cannot love you any more that I already do. When people talk about their heros they usually choose someone famous, a celebrity, a star, a political figure, that has done something inspiring to the world. But you are my hero, you have inspired my own little world and you inspire me. I know that if there was one man that would rather die than let me down, it would be you, and I would do the same. You are a man that deserves the world, and the world deserves more men like you. You are the richest man I know in love and respect throughout family and friends, and all those you meet even if only the once. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. It is something I know you know, it’s the little things I let you do, like give me a hug or a kiss as I leave that nobody else is allowed as often as you. I am eternally grateful for the things you have done for me, that was not your problem or responsibility, yet you took on as if I was your own. I feel there will be no greater tragedy than that my children will be born with no maternal grandfather, when I was blessed with a childhood spent with someone like you.
All my love, to the stars and the moon and the sun; though none shine as brightly as you, and even further beyond than that.
Amie x
Dear Parents, Family, Supposed loved ones..
31 JanDear Parents, Family, Supposed loved ones
You are all people whom I am supposed to love, who I am supposed to be loved by. My problem is, I can’t tell you that one thing that makes me, me.
Maybe some day you’ll read this, although I doubt it.
I am a pansexual emotional genderqueer human being.
I just wish that if I could ever actually tell you that, that you would understand and accept me.
I have a girlfriend, and she’s the most lovely person in the world.
Even if I didn’t tell you that I identify myself as a genderqueer, you would still be mad that you think I’m a girl who has a girlfriend.
I just wish for once I could tell you.
B
Dear Grandad, sorry I’m carrying on…
26 JanDear Grandad
Im sorry I find it so hard to visit grandma, sit in those fields you used to take us to, eat Mars bars, peaches and porridge, to look at a sheep and not think of you telling me when you died if you come back you’d be a sheep, for not being able to step into a Thorntons without being so sad I have to leave again or even go to a park especially Stratford park anymore. I’m sorry I’ve carried on living, working and being ok. Today I am most sorry for letting my sprained ankle get the better of me and using it as an excuse because my heart is actually broken by you dying!!!! Why did you die???? Why did you leave me???? us????? and so close to my 20th birthday and christmas. Everyone is already talking about me having a joint 21st with my fiance but tbh I dont want to because you wont be there, you wont see me get married, see your great grandkids, teach them how to play donkey, spoons, solitaire, you endured hours of borad games, piggy back rides, autum walks, dressing dolls, toy shops, art shops, seaside weekend sleepovers and cheeky overexcited grandchildren on boxing and christmas days. You threw us parties, ate every cake we made, let us into the secret of the Mars bar tree, the monkeys in the desolate house where you told us we belonged when we were really young. When we were little we used to play up at home time from weekend dinners, wouldn’t let our paretns read to us because they were nothing compared to you.
I’m sorry I ceased to visit you as I got older, but I never ceased to love you and still do now.
I miss you soo much grandad
Elixxx
Dear Mr. K
28 DecDear Mr. K,
I know you’re bipolar. I know you’re manic to the point of psychosis. I know that you’re not yourself, that you’ve lost touch with reality, that it’s not you inside that shell. But that doesn’t excuse what you’re doing.
You shouldn’t be driving, because you’re a danger to yourself and others on the roads. You shouldn’t be allowed to keep firearms at home, because there’s a very real possibility that you might snap and use them. You shouldn’t be around your wife or kids, because you are threatening to hurt them. Did you know that your wife is afraid to seek help because she thinks that if you find out, you’ll kill her and the girls? Do you know that if you lay a hand on either of your daughters, my mom–who knows all about the “situation” in your house–is required by law to report you to CPS? Do you know that you are ruining their lives, and even if they are ever able to get away from you, they’ll be running for the rest of their lives?
This isn’t you. It can’t be you. You’re a good husband and a good father and you love your wife and kids. You’re in there somewhere. You have to fight your way out before you hurt them. Some part of you must recognize that you need help. Please.
A concerned friend of the family
Dear Uncle Davis
2 DecUncle Davis,
I have been trying for a week now to write a letter to you, and I just haven’t been able to do it. But I think I’ve got it now. I miss you. I miss you a lot. I just…I want you to be here for Christmas, my birthday, the new year…I wanted you to see me make a life for myself — I’ll be a great photojournalist one day, and I’ll shoot those things you and I both love. We’d have got along great, you know. We liked the same things, and if I’d had time to grow out of my awkward young adulthood and had time to embrace you as someone I really loved and admired — like when I was young, before I knew what awkwardness was — we’d have been great friends. I want to be mad at you, Davis. I want to scream, “How could you? How could you? How could you?” Your dad is barely over his pneumonia — he’s in rehab, and you were taking care of him. Your siblings are now dealing with him, alone. My mother now has to take over all the shit you were doing for Granddaddy — the bills, paperwork, that sort of thing. I think it’s good for her, considering. She’d be a wreck if it weren’t for that paperwork, but she shouldn’t have to take it over. And, I mean, you know better than anyone what it’s like to lose a close relative. You (and my mother and my other uncle) lost your mother so young and then your youngest brother. And I’m guessing it hurt like a bitch. And now you’re putting your father and siblings through that terrible pain yet again. I want to say I don’t understand, I want to scream in anger. But I can’t be mad at you. I understand that there must have been deep and immense pain that consumed you. I wish you could have gone to someone, told them you needed help. I wish you could have poured your soul out to someone, and I wish it would have lifted some pain. And — you know what — there is one thing I can be mad about. Why did you have to do it during the holiday season? Thanksgiving was tainted — what did we have to be thankful for? We could see nothing through your death. And we’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas without you. We can’t even begin to move on properly until January because your wife — bless her heart — doesn’t want to put any more pain in the holiday season than is necessary. I love you, and I miss you. For the first time in my life I want there to be some sort of afterlife that you are happy and safe in. I want you to be able to read these words to you and understand how much I and everyone else loves you. I hope that you are safe and happy wherever you are (my philosophical teachings tell me you are nowhere except a pile of ashes held by your wife — and I am trying so hard not to believe it). I hope the pain has gone away, and more than anything else I hope your method was too quick for you to ask yourself, “What have I just done?”
With all the love I never expressed in life,
Rachel
Dear Mom
29 OctDear Mom,
I just wanted to let you know that I know perfectly well that you cheated on Dad last winter. I haven’t told you yet, because I’m not sure how. I think that what you have done will scar you, and me, for the rest of our lives. I hate when you and Dad fight… I know that you try not to fight or act mean to each other in front of us, but I know that things are not going well. Dad keeps sighing all the time and you act like it’s all good and well that you and Dad are seperated. I try to talk to you about how I feel, but you push me away. I don’t feel comfortable talking to Dad either because he is way too depressed to care. I try to keep a smile on my face for Anna because she is younger than me. It’s hard to do that when I am in so much pain over what you have done. You went off and slept at a “tennis camp” with your old college boyfriend. What you have done has broken me and I am thinking about killing myself. Thanks a lot for ruining this family. Sincerely,
Your 12 year old daughter
Dear classmates, teachers, strangers, and anyone else
16 OctDear classmates, teachers, strangers, and anyone else,
I have been keeping so many thoughts and secrets bottled up in me thinking that they were good things. But every once in a while I just want to tell the truth about everything with no reservations. So if you’d be so kind as to let me explain it all, maybe for a moment you’d understand:
Since July I’ve been hurting myself.
I haven’t told anyone that, ever, never typed it, said it, hinted it to anyone. And no one in the last few months for a moment has noticed.
I know it’s crazy, but I feel like what’s around me is crazy too. Little, silly things started piling up, and lead to this huge shitstorm that sort of took over a few weeks ago.
The little things were ridiculous, homework, teachers, spending all my time alone, realizing my friends didn’t care enough to try and keep our friendships intact.
Ridiculous.
Then bigger things came along, parents always screaming about everything under the sun, never being able to sleep, my only true friend going though his own painful journey and knowing I was the one he had trusted, and that I couldn’t tell a soul, even when he started threatening his own life.
So when his sister found him passed out in the bathroom after he took an entire bottle of painkillers, it was extremly easy to blame myself for not doing the right thing, even though I knew there was nothing more I could have done.
I was stuck. And full of guilt.
For some reason I seem to be struck down with all of these issues that no one else my age seems to be plagued by, and yet here I am, sitting in the closet with a razor, crying because I can’t do simple tasks that everyone else has mastered, shaking in a hospital waiting room wondering if my best friend blames me, and knowing from now on I’m going to have to tiptoe around so many conversations with him.
The last person I had to rely on snapped under pressure and I feel like I’m next.
With no one to lean on what am I supposed to even do?
I continue feeling lonely, more so than ever before. I just wanted to rewind and go back to when everything was still okay, when nothing had been crushed yet. I know I can’t.
I know all I can do is sit here, and listen to what my friend says, and sit here and feel like I’m losing ground in school, and sleep away days while others live their lives.
~Not getting any better
Dear Future Niece
6 OctDear Future Niece,
I’ve never really been much for kids. I feel awkward around them and don’t know what to say to them. But for you, I’m going to try my best and love you with all my heart. I don’t want you to view family like I do. A big dinner where all your cousins, aunts, and uncles brag about all their money and pretend how much they missed each other. I want you to know how much I care about you, I want to spoil you, and I want to always be there for you. My siblings, your future aunts and uncles, and I are going to do this “family thing” right. You’re going to have a beautiful life, and we all can’t wait to meet you.
Sincerely,
Your Uncle
Dear My Angel in Heaven
19 SepDear my angel in heaven,
It has been two years, eight months, and six days since I found out you passed away. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the drive thru at Chik-fil-a when Sean called. He told me and I thought it was just a mean joke. I cried the hardest I have ever cried that night. I wish I knew the truth about what happened on that night. The worst part about it is, no one will ever know the truth. I was and still am angry. You made bad choices and left me here with nothing but to once again make sure everyone is okay. I am the one that everyone runs to when they are down and need a shoulder to cry on. But what about me? Who am I supposed to lean on? You were the one I went to when I needed someone to talk to or to cheer me up. Since everyone leans on me and needs me to be strong, I never got to actually move on and deal with your death. I haven’t cried one time since I found out. That is the scary part. For some reason, I can’t accept the fact that you’re gone. When I go to dad and
mom’s house, I still expect to see you there. I miss the old days when we would hang out everyday and laugh together. We used to get in so much trouble and bail each other out. Then things started to change and you became someone that I no longer knew. That is heart breaking. I wish you were here to see me graduate like you promised. Things will never be the same without you. There is always something missing when all of our family is together. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and bring you back and take the pain away from our family. I hope you are looking down at me and are proud of me because that is all I wanted to do was make you proud.
I love you so much and miss you more than anything.
See you one sweet day.
love always,
your little sister
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