Dear God,
I’m still here. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what you want or expect of me. I’m still hurt, and I’m still weary. Is this what my life is suppose to be? Please Lord, before I die, if it’s not too much to ask, I want to know what it is to be loved.
It’s me Christine.
Mum
I miss you so much. It has almost been a year, and I can’t believe that I still feel such overwhelming grief and loss. I would do anything to have you back. I miss you so much
Dear Grandad
Im sorry I find it so hard to visit grandma, sit in those fields you used to take us to, eat Mars bars, peaches and porridge, to look at a sheep and not think of you telling me when you died if you come back you’d be a sheep, for not being able to step into a Thorntons without being so sad I have to leave again or even go to a park especially Stratford park anymore. I’m sorry I’ve carried on living, working and being ok. Today I am most sorry for letting my sprained ankle get the better of me and using it as an excuse because my heart is actually broken by you dying!!!! Why did you die???? Why did you leave me???? us????? and so close to my 20th birthday and christmas. Everyone is already talking about me having a joint 21st with my fiance but tbh I dont want to because you wont be there, you wont see me get married, see your great grandkids, teach them how to play donkey, spoons, solitaire, you endured hours of borad games, piggy back rides, autum walks, dressing dolls, toy shops, art shops, seaside weekend sleepovers and cheeky overexcited grandchildren on boxing and christmas days. You threw us parties, ate every cake we made, let us into the secret of the Mars bar tree, the monkeys in the desolate house where you told us we belonged when we were really young. When we were little we used to play up at home time from weekend dinners, wouldn’t let our paretns read to us because they were nothing compared to you.
I’m sorry I ceased to visit you as I got older, but I never ceased to love you and still do now.
I miss you soo much grandad
Elixxx
Dear God,
Please take my husband. He hasn’t changed. He is still drinking. He is still hurting me. Please intervene. Please help me because I can’t make this better, and I’m not strong enough to getaway.
Dear God, I need your help now more than ever. I love my parents so much. I would never dream of not loving them. But they are not biological. They are not the genes that hold me together. Ever since I got the names of my birth parents I feel as though I’m incomplete. I look in the mirror and wonder, how do I look like this. Who do I take after. In 2011 I was able to see what my birth mother looked like. I was able to cope with her not wanting to reconnect. I have two requests if at all possible this year. Please let th birth mother wound heal. The other is to let me see what my birth father looks like. I have the name, I just need one of my searches to get me a photo. Even one would make me feel as though I finally know who I am and where I come from. Please let the unknown stop.
Love, half a puzzle
Uncle Davis,
I have been trying for a week now to write a letter to you, and I just haven’t been able to do it. But I think I’ve got it now. I miss you. I miss you a lot. I just…I want you to be here for Christmas, my birthday, the new year…I wanted you to see me make a life for myself — I’ll be a great photojournalist one day, and I’ll shoot those things you and I both love. We’d have got along great, you know. We liked the same things, and if I’d had time to grow out of my awkward young adulthood and had time to embrace you as someone I really loved and admired — like when I was young, before I knew what awkwardness was — we’d have been great friends. I want to be mad at you, Davis. I want to scream, “How could you? How could you? How could you?” Your dad is barely over his pneumonia — he’s in rehab, and you were taking care of him. Your siblings are now dealing with him, alone. My mother now has to take over all the shit you were doing for Granddaddy — the bills, paperwork, that sort of thing. I think it’s good for her, considering. She’d be a wreck if it weren’t for that paperwork, but she shouldn’t have to take it over. And, I mean, you know better than anyone what it’s like to lose a close relative. You (and my mother and my other uncle) lost your mother so young and then your youngest brother. And I’m guessing it hurt like a bitch. And now you’re putting your father and siblings through that terrible pain yet again. I want to say I don’t understand, I want to scream in anger. But I can’t be mad at you. I understand that there must have been deep and immense pain that consumed you. I wish you could have gone to someone, told them you needed help. I wish you could have poured your soul out to someone, and I wish it would have lifted some pain. And — you know what — there is one thing I can be mad about. Why did you have to do it during the holiday season? Thanksgiving was tainted — what did we have to be thankful for? We could see nothing through your death. And we’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas without you. We can’t even begin to move on properly until January because your wife — bless her heart — doesn’t want to put any more pain in the holiday season than is necessary. I love you, and I miss you. For the first time in my life I want there to be some sort of afterlife that you are happy and safe in. I want you to be able to read these words to you and understand how much I and everyone else loves you. I hope that you are safe and happy wherever you are (my philosophical teachings tell me you are nowhere except a pile of ashes held by your wife — and I am trying so hard not to believe it). I hope the pain has gone away, and more than anything else I hope your method was too quick for you to ask yourself, “What have I just done?”
With all the love I never expressed in life,
Rachel
Dear Adam,
It has been one year since your family got the news. They got a call saying that your helicopter was shot down in Afganistan. You and many men died that day. I never knew you personally, but I love your family and my little brother looked up to you more than anything. I wish i would have gotten to know you because they say you were an amazing person. It crashes me today thinking about your little brother and sisters going through to today without you. My brother is crashed, too. YOu have inspired my brother to become a marine just like you. Which scares me more than anything, but it will be fine. I know that he wants to serve his country just like you. Your family and our town misses you alot!
Dear my angel in heaven,
It has been two years, eight months, and six days since I found out you passed away. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the drive thru at Chik-fil-a when Sean called. He told me and I thought it was just a mean joke. I cried the hardest I have ever cried that night. I wish I knew the truth about what happened on that night. The worst part about it is, no one will ever know the truth. I was and still am angry. You made bad choices and left me here with nothing but to once again make sure everyone is okay. I am the one that everyone runs to when they are down and need a shoulder to cry on. But what about me? Who am I supposed to lean on? You were the one I went to when I needed someone to talk to or to cheer me up. Since everyone leans on me and needs me to be strong, I never got to actually move on and deal with your death. I haven’t cried one time since I found out. That is the scary part. For some reason, I can’t accept the fact that you’re gone. When I go to dad and
mom’s house, I still expect to see you there. I miss the old days when we would hang out everyday and laugh together. We used to get in so much trouble and bail each other out. Then things started to change and you became someone that I no longer knew. That is heart breaking. I wish you were here to see me graduate like you promised. Things will never be the same without you. There is always something missing when all of our family is together. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and bring you back and take the pain away from our family. I hope you are looking down at me and are proud of me because that is all I wanted to do was make you proud.
I love you so much and miss you more than anything.
See you one sweet day.
love always,
your little sister
Dear God (or Allah or whatever may be up there),
What the FUCK am I doing? I went to a church service tonight, and I felt so awkward. I’ve never really cared much to believe, but I saw all these kids — kids my age — who are so assured in their beliefs, and I wondered what they could know that I don’t.
These kids were so faithful, so honestly into God…and I don’t understand why. Has a sign been sent to them? Or are they blindly faithful? I just don’t get it.
I guess, God, if I really am your child, if none of my sins (and believe me, there are many) are too much for you, if you would not turn me away at Heaven’s door, I want to know that. I want to have faith in You if You want me to.
Lost and confused,
a college student
Dear God,
It hurts so bad. Please make it stop. Make me happy again. I feel as though I have lost everything; my faith, my purpose, and my love. It is all gone. I know I have my friends and family, but they only disguise the pain.
Sometimes at night I will get out of bed and go for a drive, hoping that by some impossible chance I will see her driving too.
I want to come home at night after work and see her car waiting for me outside my house.
I want to hold her again.
I want to feel that way once more.
I want her.
Sincerely,
Holden
Comments