I wrote to you before Christmas. Thank you for giving me what I wanted. My little girl is here in my arms and is the most beautiful and precious thing I have ever known.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I believe.

Love from The New Mummy xx

It’s the little things you do that make me smile.

The way you looked at me when you told me I look great. The silly things you said when you tried to teach me how to do the limbo. The expression on your face when you tried to imitate my backbend and it just didn’t work. The enthusiasm in your voice when told me to do a trust fall, and I almost stepped back because I was afraid I would end up on the floor, and you somehow caught me anyway. The total lack of self-consciousness when you spontaneously start dancing to ridiculous songs. Your wild laugh. The way you watch me when I talk, like you’re trying to figure out a puzzle. Your curiosity when you wanted to know my story. How you tell me your story when no one else is around, because you trust me with it. Your smirk when you play inappropriate music in the Lair just to see if I’m listening. Your shock at my naiveté when sexual references are made in my presence. Your unwillingness to explain aforementioned sexual references to me. The fact that you’re a senior and I’m a freshman and you still think it’s cool that our English teacher made an example of my essay to your class. Your gentle fingers in my hair when you insisted on “fixing” it for the interview, and later when you decided it needed to be braided. The exaggerated way you grabbed my hand and dragged me into the Lair that night, knowing I couldn’t face going home, claiming that you needed my help a “very important project” and it “absolutely couldn’t wait.” How you made me write my email down on the back of your hand, even after I hunted down a slip of paper.

I don’t want to be a teenage cliché.  I want this to be different.  It IS different, because it’s all in my head and it’s not going to go anywhere, there’s absolutely no way, I have more sense than to even think about it.  But that doesn’t stop me from dreaming and remembering.

But knowing that all of these little things won’t add up to anything in the end?  That’s what makes me cry.

Yours truly, girl who wishes for more

Where did you go?  You never said goodbye.  Why?  Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t have feelings for me?  Why couldn’t you just be honest and tell me that you didn’t care?  You just left and now 18 years later I still wonder how you felt about me;  It’s embarrassing.  Couldn’t you just tell me the truth, so I would know that it was all in my head and I could forget about you?  Please help me forget.

From, Springfield

When I think about the role you play in my life, it almost brings me to tears, for it pains me that I cannot love you any more that I already do. When people talk about their heros they usually choose someone famous, a celebrity, a star, a political figure, that has done something inspiring to the world. But you are my hero, you have inspired my own little world and you inspire me. I know that if there was one man that would rather die than let me down, it would be you, and I would do the same. You are a man that deserves the world, and the world deserves more men like you. You are the richest man I know in love and respect throughout family and friends, and all those you meet even if only the once. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. It is something I know you know, it’s the little things I let you do, like give me a hug or a kiss as I leave that nobody else is allowed as often as you. I am eternally grateful for the things you have done for me, that was not your problem or responsibility, yet you took on as if I was your own. I feel there will be no greater tragedy than that my children will be born with no maternal grandfather, when I was blessed with a childhood spent with someone like you.

All my love, to the stars and the moon and the sun; though none shine as brightly as you, and even further beyond than that.

Amie x

You are all people whom I am supposed to love, who I am supposed to be loved by. My problem is, I can’t tell you that one thing that makes me, me.

Maybe some day you’ll read this, although I doubt it.

I am a pansexual emotional genderqueer human being.

I just wish that if I could ever actually tell you that, that you would understand and accept me.

I have a girlfriend, and she’s the most lovely person in the world.

Even if I didn’t tell you that I identify myself as a genderqueer, you would still be mad that you think I’m a girl who has a girlfriend.

I just wish for once I could tell you.

B

I miss you so much. It has almost been a year, and I can’t believe that I still feel such overwhelming grief and loss.  I would do anything to have you back.  I miss you so much

This summer has been crap. I just wanted to let you know that. I wish the pit in my stomach would go away, but I don’t think it ever will. This week just served to push everything over the edge. I HATE LIFE right now. The only thing keeping me going is that I know suicide is never the answer, but it would stop the pain, wouldn’t it? What’s worse is everyone thinks I’m ok. NEWS FLASH: I’m not. Open your freaking eyes and see something that doesn’t involve you! God, I hate people.

This might sound dramatic, but how will I ever get over this crappy summer. I’ve been chewed up and puked out and then my heart ripped from my chest and sewed back in without anesthesia. Fun? I don’t think so! Thank you, everyone, for caring…not. I just wish someone would notice me, just anyone ask me how I really am and care enough to know the person I am inside. Please someday will I have that? I wish I could say I still believe that…I but my trust that everything will turn out okay or that anyone cares is slowly fading away.

Until then,

The person everyone sees outside

Im sorry I find it so hard to visit grandma, sit in those fields you used to take us to, eat Mars bars, peaches and porridge, to look at a sheep and not think of you telling me when you died if you come back you’d be a sheep, for not being able to step into a Thorntons without being so sad I have to leave again or even go to a park especially Stratford park anymore. I’m sorry I’ve carried on living, working and being ok. Today I am most sorry for letting my sprained ankle get the better of me and using it as an excuse because my heart is actually broken by you dying!!!! Why did you die???? Why did you leave me???? us????? and so close to my 20th birthday and christmas. Everyone is already talking about me having a joint 21st with my fiance but tbh I dont want to because you wont be there, you wont see me get married, see your great grandkids, teach them how to play donkey, spoons, solitaire, you endured hours of borad games, piggy back rides, autum walks, dressing dolls, toy shops, art shops, seaside weekend sleepovers and cheeky overexcited grandchildren on boxing and christmas days. You threw us parties, ate every cake we made, let us into the secret of the Mars bar tree, the monkeys in the desolate house where you told us we belonged when we were really young. When we were little we used to play up at home time from weekend dinners, wouldn’t let our paretns read to us because they were nothing compared to you.

I’m sorry I ceased to visit you as I got older, but I never ceased to love you and still do now.

I miss you soo much grandad

Elixxx

I’ve had enough…please stop. Please…please….please! Please stop it.

Love,

A spot in the world